The Fear
by BellatrixLestrangey
Summary: One shot: Azula struggles to deal with her inner demons as they threaten to resurface. This was a lyric fic however since those aren't allowed I removed the lyrics, the story is based on Within Temptation's The Fear.


It's always been inside of her, always lurking…

Clawing…

Waiting for the right moment to emerge.

And emerge it did, in its full ferocity. Up until then she'd been free of what dwelled within her. But she was losing control again. Just as she had before. Just when she thought she was winning—changing, her demons would emerge again.

In the not so distant past this was something that wouldn't really bother Azula. She didn't mind it at all, what she was. But she'd come all too far to let herself slid back into old habits…old frames of mind. Evil frames of mind where empathy and regard for others were out the window.

A lot of people still feared her, but when it came down to it, no one was more afraid of Azula than Azula herself. She knew better than anyone just how dark—how sinister—she was…is by nature.

It—who she was before—waited at the brink of her mind as the threads of her sanity strained to stay together. The vial and the wicked already seeping through the openings. She could feel the wicked thoughts creeping in, the urge to cause someone…anyone pain.

Azula thought first of a fountain of red. That fountain, a weeping smile across Mai's neck. She squeezed her eyes shut and pushed the image from her mind. The repression was successful. Until it was replaced by another much grimmer image; Azula stood over Ty-Lee tarring her apart, seeing just how flexible the acrobat was before her limbs snapped. She cupped her hands over her head willing that away too.

Her hands were shaking, she hadn't invited those thoughts in. She didn't want them there. She had made amends with them a good while back.

No one feared Azula like Azula did. Azula was the only one who knew what she thought of. What her brain…what the voices screamed at her to do. And so no one feared her as much as she thought they should.

No one feared her enough to stay away from her when she demanded it of them.

She couldn't win the fight every time. And like nothing else, the princess feared what she'd do when the monster clawed its way out.

The time would surely come soon.

Azula was tired.

Exausted and mentally spent. She'd put everything into not acting on the violent impulses wracking at her brain. Her days moved in a hazy blur, her energy so focused on keeping herself in check that most other tasks—sleeping, eating, walking—were done on autopilot, sloppy and thoughtlessly.

She was just barely functioning.

People—Zuko mostly—tried making conversation but she hadn't the capacity to carry it out. The concern was etched on his face.

It got to a point one night where Azula came to realize that she would snap. It was no longer simply a possibility. She couldn't fight it anymore. How do you fight yourself and come out unscathed?

No one can fight themselves and truly win, she had come to realize; if she repressed the darkness for too long she'd hurt herself. If she didn't repress it everyone else would get hurt. Azula wanted someone to care for her…to not drive everyone away. And so she would usually hurt herself trying to restrain from harming others. She'd lay in bed unmoving for days and days until the shadowy clouds came to pass.

Not one person seemed to care for or check on her—after all, Azula wasn't a problem or a thing to pay attention to unless she was in fact harming someone. Azula herself didn't count as one of the someones. And usually Azula was the only someone she pained these days.

The princess let her mind go numb. This time she'd do it. She'd let the beast win. At least then they'd pay attention to her—help her…if she didn't scare them too much.

Azula walked slowly down the hall with each step a lazy, limp sway. Her head was dizzy, dizzy with ill intent and lack of reasoning.

She didn't know what she was going to do, she just wanted to see something—or someone—up in flames.

She stood in Zuko's doorway silently, listening as the Fire Lord chuckled with the Avatar and with Mai. Ty-Lee's chirpy giggle had joined the chorus from somewhere in the back of the room.

Azula's lip twitched up into something akin to a smile, that chorus would soon be one of screams and fearful cries. They didn't even notice her. Nor the blue flame that danced in her palm as she tried to decide if she'd light a tapestry on fire or take a more direct approach and just set the Avatar himself up in flames.

And yet, deep down Azula was horrified. Horrified about what she was about to do. What she longed to do. She lifted her hand to the tapestry anyhow.

It had won.

The monster had won.

Azula's small flame was just below the tapestry now, eyes fixed upon its glow.

"Azula?"

Her tiny flame flickered out.

"What are you doing?" Ty-Lee asked. Every head in the room was turned her way now.

They were paying attention to her. They were only doing so because she was going to hurt them. She stared at the acrobat. The girl seemed as bubbly and upbeat as always. "We were just going to have dinner, do you want to join us?"

"I can have our chef cook you something." Zuko offered. "If I knew you were coming downstairs I would have…"

Azula sank to the floor hugging her knees close to her body, rocking herself back and forth. It was happening again she was a sobbing mess…having one of her attacks. It happened anytime she was about to do something unspeakably terrible but stopped herself at the last minute.

Ty-Lee stepped forward. For a moment Azula didn't think the girl would come any closer, but she did. She hesitated, but inched forward no less. Azula jerked at the brush of her fingers.

"Go away!" It was abrupt. Azula couldn't tell if she had screamed it or muffled it through the silk of her robe. By the way Ty-Lee flinched back Azula concluded that she had probably yelled. But if she had, she didn't mean to…or did she? At this point she couldn't really tell.

"Go away before I hurt you." Azula continued. "I want to hurt you, I want to make all of you suffer. I mean I don't want to but I do…but I…"

"I...I'm not afraid of you." Ty-Lee replied, but Azula knew it wasn't true, she could hear the tremble in her voice. And yet the girl crouched down next to her anyhow. "I know you don't want to hurt me, or Zuko, or Mai…or even Aang."

"And I know you won't." Ty-Lee helped Azula to her feet.

Azula wiped her eyes with her sleeve. "How do you know?"

"Because I know you Azula. You said you didn't want to hurt me, and if you don't want to do something, you won't do it. I also know that you don't like to lose, or give up." Ty-Lee declare as she lead Azula to a chair. The princess wasn't making it all that easy, with her entire body strength shifted onto the acrobat. Frankly she was weary and tired to carry it herself. And what effort Azula did put in was sluggish and slow.

"Besides, you're too…sleepy to even walk to the table, much less light us on fire." Ty-Lee lowered Azula into her chair.

Zuko sat down next to her. "You can ask for help if you need to. I want to help you. But I can't help you if I don't know something is wrong."

Azula sighed. "I didn't want to bother you."

"You're either one extreme or the other aren't you?" Zuko replied. "Either too nice or ready to murder me in my sleep."

Azula sniffled. "Well which would you prefer?"

"How about the Azula who is nice to me most of the time but sometimes says snarky things?"

"I need to give you a chance to find your honor before damaging it again." Azula mumbled.

"If you say so." Zuko replied.

Azula had lost her mind a long time back. It was fractured and broken and haunted her since. Always threatening to completely shatter again. But she wouldn't let that happen.

Not today.


End file.
